The reptilian conspiracy and vaccines – a feathered dinosaur confession

As you are probably aware, the reptilian conspiracy theory states that one of the signs of a reptilian is an obsession with science. Well, this reptilian tried to hide in plain sight pretending to be an ancient feathered dinosaur (see Note 1), but now I’ve been outed. And it’s time for me to confess to my using reptilian skills to hide the truth about vaccines.

I know. I tried to use evidence that I cherry-picked out of systematic reviews and clinical trials, which I claimed were the pinnacle of the hierarchy of biomedical research but were really just produced by the reptilian scientists. This was done to obey the orders the Reptilian Overlords at Big Pharma. 

The reptilian conspiracy and vaccines – The Truth™

So with a heavy heart, let me tell you the truth about vaccines, which we all hid from you humans. I hope the Reptilian Overlords don’t hunt me down and exile me to the Andromeda galaxy, although I hear the sunsets there are gorgeous.

So here is The Truth™:

  1. Vaccines cause autism.
  2. Dr. Andrew Wakefield uncovered the reptilian conspiracy and told The Truth™.
  3. Reptilians put mercury and aluminum in vaccines to control humans.
  4. GMOs in vaccines corrupt the human genome.
  5. Glyphosate in vaccines is causing cancer in your children.
  6. Dr. David Gorski is a reptilian. Obviously.
  7. The loquacious Orac is a reptilian. Pretending to attack the reptilian conspiracy is one of the surest signs of being a reptilian.
  8. Dr. Paul Offit is a reptilian. Obviously.
  9. Reptilians have given babies 10,000 vaccines.
  10. Babies can’t handle all the vaccines we give them. We reptilians do this to experiment on innocent babies with new mind-control nanobots.
  11. Christopher Shaw, Lucija Tomljenovic, and Tetyana Obukhanych are actually wonderful researchers who have been attacked by the reptilians.
  12. Donald J. Trump’s views on vaccines are correct as he attempts to drain the swamp of reptilians.
  13. Predatory journals are not controlled by the reptilians, so it’s the best place to publish accurate research about vaccines.
  14. The HPV vaccine doesn’t prevent cancer. And it’s not very safe. But we reptilians love to push it on humans for nefarious and mysterious reasons.
  15. The flu vaccine contains nanobots that cause Americans to vote for progressives, who are all reptilians.

So there it is. All of the facts about vaccines are now out in the open. I’m sure the Reptilian Overlords will be angry with me for telling the truth about the poisons that we have convinced the reptilian pediatricians to inject into your innocent children.

Wait. Who’s knocking on my door. Damn, it must be the Reptilian Secret Police ready to arrest me. Well, this is obviously the last post I’ll ever make. Please get rid of all vaccines, it is a massive scheme to control humanity.

Oh no, the knocking is getting louder. Goodbye for now!!!

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Oh, wait. It’s just the UPS guy delivering my Big Pharma Shill Gold Bars™ for my good work forcing vaccines on humans.

So, never mind. vaccines are safe and effective. Like I’ve always said. <wink, wink>

Notes

  1. Since birds are actually modern dinosaurs, the Skeptical Raptor could be a reference to either Velociraptors (which are a carnivorous genus of feathered dinosaur ) or a raptor (birds of prey, like hawks, owls, and eagles, which are also feathered). I’m ambivalent as to which group I belong since they are all dinosaurs.
  2. I realize that conservatives and science deniers lack any sense of humor or ability to understand satire. I hope the rest of you do, but in case you don’t, please click on the links.
The Original Skeptical Raptor
Chief Executive Officer at SkepticalRaptor
Lifetime lover of science, especially biomedical research. Spent years in academics, business development, research, and traveling the world shilling for Big Pharma. I love sports, mostly college basketball and football, hockey, and baseball. I enjoy great food and intelligent conversation. And a delicious morning coffee!