The blogosphere has been all intoxicated by Mike Adams, the self-styled Health Ranger who publishes the Natural News website, and his detailing of various David Gorski conspiracies. At first, I thought that Adams was a bit insane, a view that Dr. Gorski himself stated.
But upon further review, and doing my own research, I have come to the conclusion that Mike Adams is pretty much wrong but not for the reasons you might think. I think Adams got lazy and didn’t do a thorough investigation, as befits someone who claims to be the Health Ranger.
I hope that Mike Adams forwards an official Shill Check™ to me for performing this valuable duty to science and the Truth™.
David Gorski conspiracies – THE list
Using my trusty tinfoil hat, 15 minutes of Google, powerful anecdotes, and personal conversations with a pig farmer in England, added to my advanced degree in conspiracy science, I present to you, the loyal reader, the official list (certified by me and published in a secret peer-reviewed journal) of David Gorski Conspiracies.
- President Barack Obama has hidden his real Kenyan birth certificate in one of the dungeons located in the basement of Dr. Gorski’s mansion.
- Dr. Gorski recently performed surgery on the surviving aliens that crashed in Roswell, NM. The aliens paid him with gold pressed latinum.
- Dr. Gorski actually wrote the Season 6 finale of the Walking Dead. Blame him.
- Dr. Gorski has proven that a daily diet of blueberry-kale shakes cure cancer. He has suppressed this evidence in order to make more money pretending to “cure cancer” with conventional medicine.
- Dr. Gorski refuses to get a colonoscopy because he knows its unnecessary – those blueberry kale shakes work.
- Dr. Gorski is known to visit an acupuncturist and homeopath to treat his addiction to blueberry-kale shakes.
- Dr. Gorski was warned by Hillary Clinton that the FBI was looking for his personal email server which holds devastating information regarding Gorski’s involvement in the blueberry-kale shake-gate.
- Dr. Gorski is known to use Tor accounts to download Nickleback albums. While guzzling blueberry kale shakes.
- Dr. Gorski is actually Jimbo Wales, founder and CEO of Wikipedia. All editors of science articles are merely bots that revert any scientific edits from the Natural News.
- Dr. Gorski holds a secret patent for vaccine-based nanobots intended to control the world.
- Dr. Gorski has found feces from sasquatch and knows that the enigmatic creature exists.
- Dr. Gorski invented chemtrails. He has a new scaled-up version that can deliver it from the satellites that he and Elon Musk have launched from a secret location in Kalamazoo, MI.
- Despite the claims of Donald Trump regarding Ted Cruz’s father, it was David Gorski’s father who was friends to Lee Harvey Oswald.
- Dr. Gorski, as a child, witnessed the fake moon landing on a secret movie studio in Hamilton, Ontario.
- Dr. Gorski has assisted President Obama in controlling the weather trying to convince people that climate change is a thing.
- Dr. Gorski and Dr. Paul Offit have a top-secret laboratory where they collect the tears of vaccinated children to flavor the blueberry kale shakes.
- Dr. Gorski is the 2016 Vice President of Membership for the Illuminati.
- Dr. Gorski invented the Ebola virus. On the other hand, he claims no involvement with the Zika virus – I provide this information to prove my lack of bias towards him.
- Dr. Gorski has evidence that blueberry kale shakes can destroy the Zika virus.
- Dr. Gorski drinks Canadian beer. From a glass. Without coasters. He does the same with his blueberry kale shakes.
- Finally, and unsurprisingly, Dr. David Gorski is a reptilian. That’s why he ruined the cliffhanger to the Walking Dead, reptiles don’t understand cliffhangers. Probably because so many were killed off 65 million years ago.
There you have it. It’s amazing what real research can find if you really put your mind to it.
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